The Hardest Thing We've Ever Done

(This was written yesterday...I just couldn't keep my eyes open long enough last night when we got home to publish it :)

Phillipians 4:4-9 - Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.   Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy --  think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me – practice these things and the God of peace will be with you. 

Currently, we are on the plane ride home from Ethiopia.  It’s a long one…the longest...17 hrs.  Thankfully, I have actually slept some of these beginning hours away, which was much needed.  I have somewhat put writing this post off a bit.  The reality of leaving is really starting to sink in, and my emotions are still raw.  However, God is bigger than all of that, so I am praying that this post will be something beautiful for Him despite myself J.

Yesterday was our last day with Cai.  I should say the last day of the 1^st trip.  The next time we see him, it will be our 1^st day of MANY, and this is so encouraging to us.  We spent the morning running a few errands with him and finishing up some shopping and gifts for family.  We then spent the afternoon back at the guest house playing, packing, and taking naps.  I am so thankful that God blessed me with the ability to enjoy this time instead of just dreading what was to come later.  This was truly of God, and I am so thankful.  It came close to the time that we needed to leave, and we had some precious and last prayer time with him, which was so powerful as we have prayed for so long without touching or meeting him.  I so cherish that we were able to pray over him while holding and/or looking at him.  Thank you, Lord.  In praying for Him, the Lord completely spoke through Cole and comforted us both, as what he prayed was straight from the Lord.  As he led us in covering Cai in prayer, a profound parallel of the gospel to what we were about to do poured out of him…the fact that God knows better than anyone what it is like to give up a son.  I get tears just typing it.  He went on to describe how what Christ went through was so much worse as they were completely separated and he died the most gruesome death to pay for our sins...one He did not deserve.  Through our tears while he was praying, peace began to overwhelm me, as I felt God’s presence.  I felt His spirit of compassion, comfort, and understanding flood into the room and wash over us.  It was a powerful moment that I will never forget.  So thankful for a husband that leads me and how God speaks through him to minister to me.

As I prayed, I focused on the scripture above (Philippians 4:4-9).  God had reminded me of this scripture a few days prior, as I was asking for help in dealing with leaving, and God just constantly reminded me of it.  This has been a scripture that has been so familiar to me for so long, and was probably among the 1^st that I memorized in my adult life.  I remember having it on my mirror in college.  However, as I read it while in Ethiopia, I began to understand it and relate to it on a level I just hadn’t before.  How awesome that God continues to bring scripture to life more and more as we seek Him…even the familiar ones we are apt to just glance over.  Our pastor, Tim Harkness, had also preached on these verses earlier this year, and as I read the scripture the Lord brought back some key things he had taught our church as he broke it down.  I had also just finished the book, 1,000 Gifts.  The Lord has used this book to make me realize the importance and power in thankfulness.  The Lord began to use all of these things while I was reading these verses to show me that thankfulness precedes the peace.  Peace results from the thankfulness.  It’s right there…it’s a promise.  I desperately needed to have my eyes in the right place…on my MIGHTY God and not on the problem of leaving him there and all of my fears surrounding that.  When my eyes are STAYED on Him, my problems just aren’t that big.  As the verses go on, I began to see more.  I needed to take captive my thoughts and deliberately think about the things that were true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy.  I needed to STAY my mind on these things.  I think pastor Tim described it like this in church…that "negative thoughts are the soil for anxiety and positive/thankful thoughts are the soil for peace."  He went on to discuss that it's ok to think about the tough/sad things, but we just can't stay there.  We have to refocus and STAY our minds on the things of Christ...as the verse says to "practice these things" (Philippians 4:9).  It’s so powerful when you really think about it.  Sure what we’re doing is sad, and I believe the Lord grieves with us, but we just can’t stay in that place.  We have to stay in the place of thankfulness with our eyes on God and thinking about those things he tells us too (Philipians 4:8)  Peace WILL follow.

I have also been feeling God warning me not to make an idol out of Micai for these next few months.  He knows me well of course.  Making idols is what I know how to do, and I sadly do it often and well at times.  I believe He is challenging me as I have been growing in this, to not do it with our son.  It’s so hard, but I am going after it!  I would appreciate specific prayers in this if it comes to mind J. 

After our sweet time of prayer over him, it was time to do the hardest thing we have ever done.  Drive back to the orphanage one last time on this trip, and give our son up to those taking care of Him at the orphanage and wholeheartedly believing and trusting God as Cai’s ultimate provider.  He always has been and always will be anyways, right?

I can truly say that peace followed this, and believe me there were tears as we walked away, was a peace that I haven’t experienced before either.  Amazing sweet peace.  What a gift from our Heavenly Father.  He is strength in our weakness.  As we walked out, we dried our tears as many of the other orphans were going to bed and calling to us.  As we hugged, kissed, and told them that we and Jesus loves them, I felt thankfulness come over me, and God reminded me that there is one less orphan in that orphanage.  Our sweet Micai is no longer an orphan.  Seeking to change the world is overwhelming, but changing the world for one…we can do that and are doing that by God’s power and grace. 

I am writing the rest of this post while back in the US but still on our way home.  After the longest flight ever, we were excited to get off that plane and be back in the US and to see our 2 other kiddos.  However, as we stood in one of the many lines to get back into the country, it was so bittersweet…so VERY bittersweet.  Leaving Micai is the hardest thing we have ever done.  But I know my God and have experienced the beauty and refinement he brings from brokenness.  I am so excited to see all that He has to teach us, and I know I won’t have it any other way, because we become more like Him in this process.  How amazing that He would do that. 

So, I will end with some other sweet pics of our precious boy!  We would so appreciate prayers on a speedy process to Embassy.  We have heard this could take anywhere from 1 month – 3 months.  But please also pray that we would completely trust God’s timing.  I cannot possibly put into words just how much all of your prayers and notes of encouragement have meant to us.  Thank you!  God has used the body of Christ in ways that were more than we could ask or imagine to bring this chosen boy home! 

I will also be posting more on our trip soon as there is more to share.   I just wasn’t able to due to time and poor internet connections.  But for now, here he is…..I mean I think I took a million pics of this boy!  I just couldn’t get enough J.