I am finally doing it...blogging since we have gotten home. It's been 6 1/2 months already. So hard and easy to believe at the same time. I honestly, didn't know what to do with the blog when we got home. It is something that I felt the Lord wanted me to do during the adoption process-for a variety of reasons-that I have mentioned in another post. But I had no idea what to do after that. So, I waited....
And to be honest, those first 3-4 months home were so demanding...so exhausting... so intense... that I couldn't even write about it. Oh, the emotional unstability. Micai cried a lot and so did I. I remember wondering what I would say to people on some days if they asked me how we were doing. Let's just be real honest that many of us are not ready for the water works that may result as the answer to this question. I so badly wanted and still want to glorify the Lord. And I am a huge fan of being real and have strived to do that in this process. BUT, there is this fine line...on one side a being real that glorifies the Lord and on the other a being real that does not. I want to be real, but I also want to protect my son and bring glory to God. So, I prayed...
A beautiful-hard is the way that I summed it up to many. The most beautiful and hard thing that we have ever done. Beautiful to see Jesus engraft Micai into our family and watch him thrive. Beautiful to know God is using him to teach us so much. Beautiful to see so many welcome him with the love of Christ. Beautiful to learn what Biblical love is. Hard to learn (and still learn) what Biblical love is. Hard to be OVERWHELMED by all of my sin that comes to the surface in the process. Hard to transition. Hard to see Micai mourn all that he had lost. Hard to see first-hand all of the damage that had been done to an 11 month old baby. It has been both beautiful and hard, and we wouldn't change a thing as we have been conformed into Christ's image in the process. God is just too good not to leave us the same.
Confession...Nothing about this process has seemed natural to me. I don't even like to admit that. I so badly wanted it to feel natural. I do not speak for all adoptive families, but this has been my experience. God is so faithful and do know that things are feeling more and more natural, which has been a joyous miracle to experience. But the reality is that we were handed an 11 month old child with the measels in a foreign country. And then expected to fly him home on a 17 hour flight and do the "parent thing." Not natural for me...not at all. Especially after having such different experiences with my 2 biological kids. He cried and mourned so much those first few days in Ethiopia. Then he seemed to turn a corner before we came home. Then we came home. Oh, did he scream and scream and scream. Multiple what seemed like PTSD melt downs throughout the day. Irrational. He was so irrational...so scared out of his mind...so confused. I couldn't blame him, but I also did not handle it well on many days. I could not believe how much I lacked compassion on some days. I lived many moments of fear, lies, and failure as the enemy was CONSTANTLY there to remind me of them. It was so hard. But God is SO MUCH BIGGER.
2 Corinthians 12:9 became more real than it ever has to me. My grace is SUFFICIENT for you. It is. My power is made PERFECT in your weakness. It is. So that the POWER OF CHRIST may rest upon me. It does. I clung to this. We cannot experience this verse...it's truth and power if we don't go through these times. These times when what the Lord is asking us to do is so much bigger than ourselves. When He asks us to do something that we, ourselves, are not capable of doing well. When He calls us to obey without a feeling. We are so in over our heads and our faces are constantly hitting the floor that we say, "I can't and Lord, you have to. He takes us to that place...that place called SURRENDER. We have to LET GO. We have to CHOOSE to believe the truth. CHOOSE to trust that He will equip and enable. Lord, your grace IS SUFFICIENT for me. YOUR POWER is made perfect in my weakness. I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that your power may rest upon me. I can't but YOU CAN. Thank you, Jesus for these times. Thank you that they don't leave us the same. Thank you that you allow us to experience something so outside of ourselves...your power. Thank you that they show us our desperate need for you and that we can do nothing worth anything apart from you.
You see, adoption is not just about God restoring and redeeming an orphan. It's also about restoring and redeeming US, and it's hard....and it's beautiful. Man, God is GOOD.
So, it begins again and continues...the blogging. I have felt the Lord prompting me to do this and giving me the freedom to for a while now. God has just done and taught me too much not to talk about it. He has blown me away with His never changing, never giving up, always and forever LOVE. Biblical love. I just have to share it :).
And to be honest, those first 3-4 months home were so demanding...so exhausting... so intense... that I couldn't even write about it. Oh, the emotional unstability. Micai cried a lot and so did I. I remember wondering what I would say to people on some days if they asked me how we were doing. Let's just be real honest that many of us are not ready for the water works that may result as the answer to this question. I so badly wanted and still want to glorify the Lord. And I am a huge fan of being real and have strived to do that in this process. BUT, there is this fine line...on one side a being real that glorifies the Lord and on the other a being real that does not. I want to be real, but I also want to protect my son and bring glory to God. So, I prayed...
A beautiful-hard is the way that I summed it up to many. The most beautiful and hard thing that we have ever done. Beautiful to see Jesus engraft Micai into our family and watch him thrive. Beautiful to know God is using him to teach us so much. Beautiful to see so many welcome him with the love of Christ. Beautiful to learn what Biblical love is. Hard to learn (and still learn) what Biblical love is. Hard to be OVERWHELMED by all of my sin that comes to the surface in the process. Hard to transition. Hard to see Micai mourn all that he had lost. Hard to see first-hand all of the damage that had been done to an 11 month old baby. It has been both beautiful and hard, and we wouldn't change a thing as we have been conformed into Christ's image in the process. God is just too good not to leave us the same.
Confession...Nothing about this process has seemed natural to me. I don't even like to admit that. I so badly wanted it to feel natural. I do not speak for all adoptive families, but this has been my experience. God is so faithful and do know that things are feeling more and more natural, which has been a joyous miracle to experience. But the reality is that we were handed an 11 month old child with the measels in a foreign country. And then expected to fly him home on a 17 hour flight and do the "parent thing." Not natural for me...not at all. Especially after having such different experiences with my 2 biological kids. He cried and mourned so much those first few days in Ethiopia. Then he seemed to turn a corner before we came home. Then we came home. Oh, did he scream and scream and scream. Multiple what seemed like PTSD melt downs throughout the day. Irrational. He was so irrational...so scared out of his mind...so confused. I couldn't blame him, but I also did not handle it well on many days. I could not believe how much I lacked compassion on some days. I lived many moments of fear, lies, and failure as the enemy was CONSTANTLY there to remind me of them. It was so hard. But God is SO MUCH BIGGER.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 became more real than it ever has to me. My grace is SUFFICIENT for you. It is. My power is made PERFECT in your weakness. It is. So that the POWER OF CHRIST may rest upon me. It does. I clung to this. We cannot experience this verse...it's truth and power if we don't go through these times. These times when what the Lord is asking us to do is so much bigger than ourselves. When He asks us to do something that we, ourselves, are not capable of doing well. When He calls us to obey without a feeling. We are so in over our heads and our faces are constantly hitting the floor that we say, "I can't and Lord, you have to. He takes us to that place...that place called SURRENDER. We have to LET GO. We have to CHOOSE to believe the truth. CHOOSE to trust that He will equip and enable. Lord, your grace IS SUFFICIENT for me. YOUR POWER is made perfect in my weakness. I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that your power may rest upon me. I can't but YOU CAN. Thank you, Jesus for these times. Thank you that they don't leave us the same. Thank you that you allow us to experience something so outside of ourselves...your power. Thank you that they show us our desperate need for you and that we can do nothing worth anything apart from you.
You see, adoption is not just about God restoring and redeeming an orphan. It's also about restoring and redeeming US, and it's hard....and it's beautiful. Man, God is GOOD.
So, it begins again and continues...the blogging. I have felt the Lord prompting me to do this and giving me the freedom to for a while now. God has just done and taught me too much not to talk about it. He has blown me away with His never changing, never giving up, always and forever LOVE. Biblical love. I just have to share it :).
I love hearing your story! I so agree about the fine line about sharing things. Praying for you!
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