I can't.

Exodus 4:10-13-Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”  The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”  But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

Overwhelmed.  Exhausted.  Not enough.  Breakdowns.  Trapped.  Helpless.  Treading water.  Discouraged.  Emotionally unstable.  Heavy.  Poured out.  Attacked.  These are all words that described me last week.  I told you before that I wanted to be real about this process.  Well, this is going to be some of the real and not the real pretty :)  

A few weeks ago, we finally received a big folder that contained all of the information that we needed to start our dossier.  This is a big document that goes over to Ethiopia (is translated into their language) and is necessary in order for us to receive a referral (a child).  We have been waiting for this.  This is a huge step in the process.  However, in the midst of this busy season that the Lord currently has me in, the sight of it completely overwhelmed me.  In fact, truthfully, I'm not sure of the exact day that we received it, because I didn't even open it until about a week later.  I am currently in the busiest season I have possibly ever been in since having kids.  I have taken a high school volleyball coaching position, and I am gone more than I am used to.  While I am confident that the Lord has led me to do this (although I have questioned it at times :), I am constantly trying to figure out how it is that He wants me to give 100% to everything.  A mom, wife, coach, admin asst. for FCA, and now a dossier organizer.  It's too much.  I'm not enough.  I just can't.  What am I doing?  These were the thoughts constantly running through my head.

Last week was hard and that's probably an understatement.  It all came to a head one afternoon, when my daughter unleashed on me like she hardly ever does.  Thank goodness Cole was home, and could take over.  I needed to get away, and so I did.  I escaped to a park not far from our house with tears streaming down my face and my Bible.  I knew something had to change.  I felt as if I was crawling through this season.  I knew God was teaching me, and I had to find out what. 

So I asked.  As I read the word and prayed, I asked if there was any other sin that I needed to seek forgiveness for and have freedom from.  Instantly, "insecurity," popped into my head.  It kind of surprised me.  Now I am all too familiar with insecurity...believe me...but I wasn't sure how it applied to the current issues.  So I continued to ask what God was meaning.  The Lord began to reveal.  As I sat there, He began to show me that I was insecure in the fact that I didn't believe that we (me & God) could accomplish all that He is calling me to in this season.  And I was reminded of Moses...Mr. Insecure, himself.  I can't help but smile when I think about him, and I read the above scripture.  Maybe because I can relate all too well :)  Moses was WAY over His head.  WAY more than I am.  A busy season for Moses would be an understatement, and he wasn't capable.  But God showed Him that it would not be by his own strength.  That it wasn't about Moses, but that it was about God. 

I was convicted.  I began to see, understand, confess, and repent.  I was making this all about me, and it wasn't.  I was acting as the victim.  I continued to attempt to accomplish all of these things by my own strength...I couldn't.  I had trust issues.  I continued to just see all of the problems, and not God.  My eyes were in the wrong place.  And it had me in a debilitating place.  The exact place where the enemy wanted me.  A place of being paralyzed and not empowered.  A place I hate to be. 

It came down to this....I have prayed about this season, and I am confident that I am doing what He has called me to.  So, I need to get over this place of excuses and feeling overwhelmed.  I need to accept it, and say, ok God, I can't do this, but you can.  Way too much for me, but so not a big deal for you.  I am humbled and privileged that He would choose an incapable and imperfect person like myself to accomplish something for Him.  Only through Him will any good come of any of this.

Thank you, Jesus, for your truth, strength, and empowerment!  I am happy to report that we are almost done with our dossier.  These feelings have subsided, and while this season is still a struggle, I am constantly reminded of who I belong to.  And because of this, what I am capable of just doesn't matter to God, and it shouldn't matter to me. 

I know many of you are probably in a similar season.  A season of too much and feeling poured out.  The more we are pouring out, the more we need to be poured into.  We've GOT to make time to allow God to pour into us, in order to accomplish His will.  This is a challenge for us all.  May we MAKE time to be quiet before Him.  The God of miracles is pursuing each one of us.  That should change the way we do our day, if we truly believe this.  Why in the world wouldn't we make time for that?  Why is our time with Him one of the first things to go in the midst of a busy season?  Enough of my/our excuses.  It HAS to happen!  Life is too short, and there is way too much ministry to be done.  Lives are on the line.  The lives of our children, friends, family, and this unsaved world.  The question is, do we care enough?  Do we?  If we do, it ought to show in our time spent with Jesus.  If you find yourself saying today, "I can't."  You're right.  He can :)  May our eyes be on Him and not ourselves.  This life is so much bigger than us.