A year ago today...

Psalm 118:24 - This is the day that The Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

A year ago today, we brought our precious Micai home :) 

A year ago today, so many friends & family stopped their lives to welcome us home with balloons, signs, tears, and lots of love as we walked into the Peoria airport with our new son. 

A year ago today, I had no idea how hard this would be. 

A year ago today, The Lord began to reveal to me that after 10 years of marriage & 2 biological children, I really had no idea at all how to love the way Christ calls me to...Biblically. 

A year ago today, I didn't know how much the past neglect, trauma, and damage would impact my 11 month old son. 

A year ago today, I had no idea that adoption was a process...a long one.

A year ago today, I was scared out of my mind. 

A year ago today, I didn't know how much sacrifice this would take. 

A year ago today, my son wasn't growing the way that he should. 

A year ago today, I began to see my DESPERATE need for Jesus on another level. 

A year ago today, I had no idea how The Lord would use an 11 month old baby to begin to redeem and restore the broken places in me. 

A year ago today, I could not soothe my son. He didn't want me. 

A year ago today, I didn't know a baby could scream & cry that loud and that long and that much. And I had a colicky baby before him. 

A year ago today, my adoption "dreams" shattered into reality. 

A year ago today, I carried an 11 month old baby who had no idea how to support himself while being carried & held by someone.  He never really had. 

A year ago today, at 11 months, Micai had never rolled over. 

A year ago today, I felt more like a failure than ever before in my life. Every. Day. 

A year ago today, the lies from the enemy were so intense and convincing. 

A year ago today, I believed the lie that I was called to perfection. 

A year ago today, I felt like I was on an island. Alone. And believed the lie way too often. 

A year ago today, I thought this was about loving Micai. 

TODAY...I know that this isn't about loving Micai at all but it's about loving and obeying my Savior. 

TODAY... I continue to realize more and more my desperate need for Jesus. That apart from Him I can do and am nothing. That HE is strength in my weakness. 

TODAY...I feel privileged that The Lord would use my son to lovingly teach me to grasp what Biblical love is...a little bit more. 

TODAY... I can soothe my son & he wants me.  He comes to me for kisses when he is hurt.  He calls me, "Mama."

TODAY... My son can run. 

TODAY... I realize that adoption is a process and that I am blessed that God chose us to walk it though with Micai. 

TODAY... I am amazed at how much The Lord can restore and redeem a traumatized, neglected, and damaged boy in a year.  Nothing is impossible with God. 

TODAY, I had a follow up with Micai's endocrinologist and found out that he has grown 2 inches in 3 1/2 months. 

TODAY, I know that I am not called to perfection.  That this is exactly why Jesus died for me. That I am called to seek forgiveness, ask for help, and get back up to keep striving toward obedience.  

TODAY, I am thankful for the "process."  The Lord knows I couldn't handle it all at once. 

TODAY, it is still hard.  But I KNOW where my help comes from & ask for help more often than I ever have. I KNOW and REST in the reality that Jesus has His reasons for the hard...reasons I don't understand or need to. And that while it's hard it's so so beautiful. Jesus uses the hard. It changes us. He is so good. He is so trustworthy. 

TODAY, His smile can steal, melt, & light up the room. 

TODAY, the sacrifice is worth it, and I would do it again. 

TODAY, there are times that I still feel like I am on that island...alone. BUT I KNOW that I NEVER am. 

TODAY, I am more of a trained warrior than ever before so that when the lies come at me, I battle & strive to recall the truth of the Word. 

TODAY, I see the beauty from the ashes. 

TODAY, Adoption has caused me to stand in awe of the gospel more than ever before. 

TODAY, I am thankful for a Savior that loves me enough not to leave me the same. And I look forward to all He has instore for TOMORROW. 

Breaking the Silence...

I am finally doing it...blogging since we have gotten home.  It's been 6 1/2 months already.  So hard and easy to believe at the same time.  I honestly, didn't know what to do with the blog when we got home.  It is something that I felt the Lord wanted me to do during the adoption process-for a variety of reasons-that I have mentioned in another post.  But I had no idea what to do after that.  So, I waited....

And to be honest, those first 3-4 months home were so demanding...so exhausting... so intense... that I couldn't even write about it.  Oh, the emotional unstability.  Micai cried a lot and so did I.  I remember wondering what I would say to people on some days if they asked me how we were doing.  Let's just be real honest that many of us are not ready for the water works that may result as the answer to this question.  I so badly wanted and still want to glorify the Lord.  And I am a huge fan of being real and have strived to do that in this process.  BUT, there is this fine line...on one side a being real that glorifies the Lord and on the other a being real that does not.  I want to be real, but I also want to protect my son and bring glory to God.  So, I prayed...

A beautiful-hard is the way that I summed it up to many.  The most beautiful and hard thing that we have ever done.  Beautiful to see Jesus engraft Micai into our family and watch him thrive.  Beautiful to know God is using him to teach us so much.  Beautiful to see so many welcome him with the love of Christ.  Beautiful to learn what Biblical love is.  Hard to learn (and still learn) what Biblical love is.  Hard to be OVERWHELMED by all of my sin that comes to the surface in the process.  Hard to transition.  Hard to see Micai mourn all that he had lost.  Hard to see first-hand all of the damage that had been done to an 11 month old baby.  It has been both beautiful and hard, and we wouldn't change a thing as we have been conformed into Christ's image in the process.  God is just too good not to leave us the same.

Confession...Nothing about this process has seemed natural to me.  I don't even like to admit that.  I so badly wanted it to feel natural.  I do not speak for all adoptive families, but this has been my experience.  God is so faithful and do know that things are feeling more and more natural, which has been a joyous miracle to experience.  But the reality is that we were handed an 11 month old child with the measels in a foreign country.  And then expected to fly him home on a 17 hour flight and do the "parent thing."  Not natural for me...not at all.  Especially after having such different experiences with my 2 biological kids.  He cried and mourned so much those first few days in Ethiopia.  Then he seemed to turn a corner before we came home.  Then we came home.  Oh, did he scream and scream and scream.  Multiple what seemed like PTSD melt downs throughout the day.  Irrational.  He was so irrational...so scared out of his mind...so confused.  I couldn't blame him, but I also did not handle it well on many days.  I could not believe how much I lacked compassion on some days.  I lived many moments of fear, lies, and failure as the enemy was CONSTANTLY there to remind me of them.  It was so hard.  But God is SO MUCH BIGGER.

2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 became more real than it ever has to me.  My grace is SUFFICIENT for you.  It is.  My power is made PERFECT in your weakness.  It is.  So that the POWER OF CHRIST may rest upon me.  It does.  I clung to this.  We cannot experience this verse...it's truth and power if we don't go through these times.  These times when what the Lord is asking us to do is so much bigger than ourselves.  When He asks us to do something that we, ourselves, are not capable of doing well.  When He calls us to obey without a feeling.  We are so in over our heads and our faces are constantly hitting the floor that we say, "I can't and Lord, you have to. He takes us to that place...that place called SURRENDER.  We have to LET GO.  We have to CHOOSE to believe the truth.  CHOOSE to trust that He will equip and enable.  Lord, your grace IS SUFFICIENT for me.  YOUR POWER is made perfect in my weakness.  I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that your power may rest upon me.  I can't but YOU CAN.  Thank you, Jesus for these times. Thank you that they don't leave us the same.  Thank you that you allow us to experience something so outside of ourselves...your power.  Thank you that they show us our desperate need for you and that we can do nothing worth anything apart from you.       

You see, adoption is not just about God restoring and redeeming an orphan.  It's also about restoring and redeeming US, and it's hard....and it's beautiful.  Man, God is GOOD.

So, it begins again and continues...the blogging.  I have felt the Lord prompting me to do this and giving me the freedom to for a while now.  God has just done and taught me too much not to talk about it.  He has blown me away with His never changing, never giving up, always and forever LOVE.  Biblical love.  I just have to share it :).