He Will Do It!

1st Thessalonians 5:23-24 - The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it. 

Well, it's been a while since I've updated!  This is partly due to the fact that I was swimming in a pile of paperwork in an attempt to complete our dossier as quickly as possible.  Well, the dossier has been officially completed!  And, I just spoke with our agency yesterday, and in their words, we are "high up on the list!"  I can't even tell you the emotions that flooded me as these words were spoken.  The surreal is becoming REAL.  It's been that dream, that "someday."  Soon it will become that "now."  So, in the mean time, we wait, and pray, and wait, and pray.  This part is all too familiar to us as we have been doing it for 2 years now.  Yes, it has been 2 years since we have begun this process.  Wild!  

After this call, the Lord reminded me of the verse above, and I just can't help but smile still :).  Our God is so faithful!  He IS doing it!  I love how he brings scripture to mind just at that right time to bless us even more!  He doesn't have to, but he does!  Love it and love serving a God who uses every detail.  If you know me well, you know I LOVE details :)

I was talking to Cole shortly after getting off of the phone, and we were talking about how random this process and child seems to the world, but how NOT random this is to God.  It has been ORDAINED by Him.  He knew exactly what child He had for us when He first stirred our hearts 2 years ago.  Actually, way before then, but it's so crazy to think about.  Not random.  Ordained.  So glad we are striving to follow the one who knows it ALL, because we don't know what the heck we are doing.  Our job is to simply obey and live a life offering thankfulness and worship back to Him.  Oh, how we pray that He and not we is lifted high.

On to the details we do know right now.  We should have a referral for sure within the next 6 months.  Neither Cole or myself think that it will be this long, but my agency gave me the max time of course.  My contact at the agency also told me that the attorney in Ethiopia just informed her that he will be sending information on many children her way soon to be referred.  She went on to say that if this happens, we would most likely be a family that would receive a referral from this group of children!  Yay!!!   

When this happens, I will receive a phone call.  THE phone call we have been waiting for.  I can't even imagine what that moment will be like, but I'm confident there will be waterworks of joy flowing from my eyes :)  Not sure if I'll be bawling my eyes out in line at the grocery store, at a basketball game, or at home, but for a moment the world will seem to stop and it won't matter who is around.  I can just see Jesus looking down from His throne in anticipation of watching me receive this call :)

Once we receive a referral, our agency will email us pictures, medical records, and as much info as they have on our child.  We then have 10 days to accept this referral.  I don't think we'll even need 10 seconds but whatever :)  The time span from the time that we accept this referral to the day that we bring this sweet miracle home, will most likely be 6 months.  We will travel over for the 1st time for a court date and to meet our child about 3-4 months after we receive the initial referral and then will travel over about 2 months or so later to bring them home as a legal member of the Espenschied fam!  Each trip will last about a week.  Amazing! 

From now until then, I will be posting as the Lord leads and then posting to make you all aware of all of the details of our referral as soon as we know them.  I will definitely post more and more frequently after the referral and will mainly use this blog to communicate everything while we are in Ethiopia. 

I know so many of you are praying consistently!  THANK YOU! The Lord has used so many of you to encourage us along in this journey.  We have been in awe and seen more of His power than ever in the body of Christ.  WE (the body of Christ) not us (Cole and I) are bringing this child home!  What a privilege to play a part in making an ETERNAL difference!  So much to be thankful for :) Happy Thanksgiving!

I can't.

Exodus 4:10-13-Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”  The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”  But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

Overwhelmed.  Exhausted.  Not enough.  Breakdowns.  Trapped.  Helpless.  Treading water.  Discouraged.  Emotionally unstable.  Heavy.  Poured out.  Attacked.  These are all words that described me last week.  I told you before that I wanted to be real about this process.  Well, this is going to be some of the real and not the real pretty :)  

A few weeks ago, we finally received a big folder that contained all of the information that we needed to start our dossier.  This is a big document that goes over to Ethiopia (is translated into their language) and is necessary in order for us to receive a referral (a child).  We have been waiting for this.  This is a huge step in the process.  However, in the midst of this busy season that the Lord currently has me in, the sight of it completely overwhelmed me.  In fact, truthfully, I'm not sure of the exact day that we received it, because I didn't even open it until about a week later.  I am currently in the busiest season I have possibly ever been in since having kids.  I have taken a high school volleyball coaching position, and I am gone more than I am used to.  While I am confident that the Lord has led me to do this (although I have questioned it at times :), I am constantly trying to figure out how it is that He wants me to give 100% to everything.  A mom, wife, coach, admin asst. for FCA, and now a dossier organizer.  It's too much.  I'm not enough.  I just can't.  What am I doing?  These were the thoughts constantly running through my head.

Last week was hard and that's probably an understatement.  It all came to a head one afternoon, when my daughter unleashed on me like she hardly ever does.  Thank goodness Cole was home, and could take over.  I needed to get away, and so I did.  I escaped to a park not far from our house with tears streaming down my face and my Bible.  I knew something had to change.  I felt as if I was crawling through this season.  I knew God was teaching me, and I had to find out what. 

So I asked.  As I read the word and prayed, I asked if there was any other sin that I needed to seek forgiveness for and have freedom from.  Instantly, "insecurity," popped into my head.  It kind of surprised me.  Now I am all too familiar with insecurity...believe me...but I wasn't sure how it applied to the current issues.  So I continued to ask what God was meaning.  The Lord began to reveal.  As I sat there, He began to show me that I was insecure in the fact that I didn't believe that we (me & God) could accomplish all that He is calling me to in this season.  And I was reminded of Moses...Mr. Insecure, himself.  I can't help but smile when I think about him, and I read the above scripture.  Maybe because I can relate all too well :)  Moses was WAY over His head.  WAY more than I am.  A busy season for Moses would be an understatement, and he wasn't capable.  But God showed Him that it would not be by his own strength.  That it wasn't about Moses, but that it was about God. 

I was convicted.  I began to see, understand, confess, and repent.  I was making this all about me, and it wasn't.  I was acting as the victim.  I continued to attempt to accomplish all of these things by my own strength...I couldn't.  I had trust issues.  I continued to just see all of the problems, and not God.  My eyes were in the wrong place.  And it had me in a debilitating place.  The exact place where the enemy wanted me.  A place of being paralyzed and not empowered.  A place I hate to be. 

It came down to this....I have prayed about this season, and I am confident that I am doing what He has called me to.  So, I need to get over this place of excuses and feeling overwhelmed.  I need to accept it, and say, ok God, I can't do this, but you can.  Way too much for me, but so not a big deal for you.  I am humbled and privileged that He would choose an incapable and imperfect person like myself to accomplish something for Him.  Only through Him will any good come of any of this.

Thank you, Jesus, for your truth, strength, and empowerment!  I am happy to report that we are almost done with our dossier.  These feelings have subsided, and while this season is still a struggle, I am constantly reminded of who I belong to.  And because of this, what I am capable of just doesn't matter to God, and it shouldn't matter to me. 

I know many of you are probably in a similar season.  A season of too much and feeling poured out.  The more we are pouring out, the more we need to be poured into.  We've GOT to make time to allow God to pour into us, in order to accomplish His will.  This is a challenge for us all.  May we MAKE time to be quiet before Him.  The God of miracles is pursuing each one of us.  That should change the way we do our day, if we truly believe this.  Why in the world wouldn't we make time for that?  Why is our time with Him one of the first things to go in the midst of a busy season?  Enough of my/our excuses.  It HAS to happen!  Life is too short, and there is way too much ministry to be done.  Lives are on the line.  The lives of our children, friends, family, and this unsaved world.  The question is, do we care enough?  Do we?  If we do, it ought to show in our time spent with Jesus.  If you find yourself saying today, "I can't."  You're right.  He can :)  May our eyes be on Him and not ourselves.  This life is so much bigger than us. 

Awakening - The story behind the title

John 14:21 - Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.

I don't know if you've heard Chris Tomlin's song, Awakening (lyrics are at the bottom), but it is truly what the Lord used to speak to my heart while trying to come up with a title for this blog.  If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend that you find some quietness in your day and just let this song minister to your heart.  It is a major prayer that I pray for our family.  This song will eventually be on the blog...I just need to figure out how to do that :) 

An "awakening"....it's what happened to our souls...they were "awakened" to adoption.  Adoption has always pulled on my heartstrings, but almost 2 yrs. ago, the Lord lifted the veil and it was time.  We were awakened.  Our eyes were suddenly opened to glimpses of how near this is to His heart....how much of a need...how much He cares, and how He was choosing us to do this. 

As we were "awakened," and I was listening to this song, I felt the Lord saying to me, "This is the Christian  life, Kristi.  Life is made up of constant awakenings."  It moved me, and it's been ringing in my ears since.  If we are passionately living for Jesus, then shouldn't our lives be constantly awakened?  Constantly becoming more like him...seeing more like He does and loving more like He does.  We should consistently be in the midst of an awakening to something.  Consistently having these moments of, "Ok God, that's what you're teaching me!"  These moments where we feel our souls being awakened to His will...the Holy Spirit speaking and veils being lifted.  It's as if we were in the dark before, and then suddently the sun comes bursting through.  And if we don't feel like we are, then we better ask, because the awakenings that He has for us in this life are endless.  As I look back on our (Cole and myself) lives together, I can see many of these awakenings.  Awakenings to being a Biblical wife, financial brokenness, moving to the inner city of Peoria, parenting, the Lord's will in expanding our family, and adoption.  The list could go on, and I pray that it does!

My question to you would be, what is God currently awakening you or your family to?  If you don't know, then I would encourage you to ask :)  We are privileged to serve such a loving Savior that He just loves when we ask for him to give us some glimpses of Himself!  He is the one that sent His son to die for us so that we are able to spend eternity with Him.  Creator of the universe....HOLY!  And HE longs to speak with US.  We are so unworthy...what a privilege!

As we desire this, we must consistently be putting ourselves in a position to be awakened and to hear from Him.  We must consistently be in His word and spending time with him.  Praising him and involving Him in ALL areas of our lives.  Surrounding ourselves with Him.  I referenced a scripture at the top in John.  In this scripture, he says that whoever has God's commands and keeps them is the one that loves him.  The major way to know His commands and keep them is to be in the word consistently.  If we truly are passionately in love with Christ, then we will long to be in his word and spend time with Him.  He goes on to say that He will love us and show himself to us.  This is exactly what an awakening is...Him showing Himself to us.  A powerful upclose and personal experience with the Almighty and our King.  How amazing that He would do that!

Oh how I pray, that He would continue to awaken our souls and we would continue to hear His voice.  That not only our families and city would be awakened but that the nations would. May His will be done and may we desire that and trust it, even when things look messy and don't make sense.  May HIS will be done even when it's not our own.  May our prayer be for him to make HIS will ours.  That we would get smaller and HE would get bigger...lifted high and glorified in our lives! 

The amazing part is that we don't deserve any of this, and He pours out His mercy and grace on us and reveals Himself to us anyway!  You see, only Jesus can truly awaken.  And when He does, it's powerful, and we are different because of it...a little bit more like Him and less like us.

Awakening Lyrics
Chris Tomlin

In our hearts, Lord, in this nation Awakening Holy Spirit, we desire Awakening
For You and You alone Awake my soul Awake my soul and sing For the world You love Your will be done Let Your will be done in me
In Your presence, in Your power Awakening For this moment, for this hour Awakening
For You and You alone Awake my soul Awake my soul and sing For the world You love Your will be done Let Your will be done in me
For You and You alone Awake my soul Awake my soul and sing For the world You love Your will be done Let Your will be done in me
Like the rising sun that shines From the darkness, comes a light I hear Your voice And this is my awakening
Like the rising sun that shines From the darkness, comes a light I hear Your voice And this is my awakening Awake my soul
Like the rising sun that shines Awake my soul Awake my soul and sing From the darkness comes a light Awake my soul Awake my soul and sing
Like the rising sun that shines Awake my soul Awake my soul and sing Only You can raise a life Awake my soul Awake my soul and sing
In our hearts, Lord, in the nations Awakening

Time to Confess...

Thank you so much to all of you involved with and following this amazing journey the Lord is leading us on!  You are amazing and so precious to us.  I know this for sure...this would NOT be possible without God's people!  THANK YOU!!!

So I am FINALLY doing this blog thing.  Those of you that know me well have heard me say over the past year (seriously), "I'm really wanting to start my blog soon."  Well, it's not so soon, since it took longer than a year, but I AM finally beginning.  The truth is that there is a part of me that has resisted this and for a variety of reasons.  I feel that the facebook and blog world (which can both be such good things) often have us all portraying only the really good things about our families...you know only what we want people to see.  While I am a HUGE fan of positivity, it's not the whole picture, and I often fall into the comparison trap...the comparing myself to others instead of Jesus.  I am just so easily entangled into the comparison thing.  For this reason, I limit so much of my time doing these things. 

However, I have felt prompted by the Lord to do this.  Some reasons....1. To update those of you that are wanting updates 2. To document the amazing way the Lord carries us through this 3. To look back on this and see God's hands all over it!  4. To share with our precious child just how many mountains God moved to get them here. 5. To glorify our MIGHTY Savior.  6. To create awareness.  We are NOT at all saying that all Americans or Christians should embark upon the adoption journey.  We ARE saying that you should care about what God does...and that includes a variety of areas. 

There are so many important and amazing things going on with all of you and this is not at all more important than any of those things.  We have been so encouraged by so many of YOU and your faithfulness and obedience to the Lord.  I am not assuming there will be any huge following...all I know is that I am supposed to write it and let God take care of the rest. The truth is, I'm not a blogger, and I really don't follow blogs all that much.  I truly have no idea what I'm doing, so your patience is appreciated :)  I have so many things I want to add to this blog...music, videos, and more but I just don't know how to do it yet :)  We'll get there!

Bottom line...I don't want to portray a perfect family picture.  I'm not a fan of fake, and boy would that be fake if I portrayed our family that way.  We are fallen, broken, normal people...unable to do nothing remotely good without Him...striving after Christ and completely not doing that perfectly.  For those of you that know us well, you are very aware of this :)  That's for sure.  If I'm honest, there's a little fear of putting all of this out there.  It's raw, and it's real.  There are so many places this journey will take us that I've never been with the Lord.  It's a risk...and even to my own surprise, when I really thought about my hesitations, I discovered that the really tough things I like to keep "in house."  You know that stuff that I might lose it on if I talk about it in front of people...the raw stuff.  My heart is that we're honest and that God is glorified through this.  That it's HIS name and not our own that is lifted high!  Oh, how I pray that I won't get in the way of this blog thing...that I will get OUT of the way and that you'll truly see our precious Jesus through this.